How the Stories We Tell Ourselves Shape Our Lives
Humans make sense of the world through stories. From our earliest relationships to the daily interactions of adulthood, we interpret what happens around us and assign meaning to it, often without realizing it. When a parent sighs, we may assume, “I did something wrong.” When a friend seems distracted, we might worry, “They’re upset with me.” These interpretations form the quiet, ongoing narrative that shapes how we feel, how we behave, and how we understand ourselves.
Psychology consistently demonstrates that people rely on internal narratives to interpret ambiguity, regulate emotion, and maintain a coherent sense of self (Bruner, 1990). Over time, these narratives become deeply ingrained beliefs. The challenge is that the stories we create are not always accurate, and when they lean toward the negative, they significantly contribute to anxiety, self-doubt, and relational stress (Beck & Haigh, 2014; Clark & Beck, 2012).
How Assumptions Take Root in Childhood
Children are meaning-makers long before they have the cognitive or emotional capacity to understand the complexity of adult behavior. Developmental research shows that children often personalize what they see, interpreting adult emotions as reflections of their own behavior or worth (Piaget, 1952). This personalization is not a flaw, it is a normal developmental stage rooted in the need for safety and belonging.
For example:
A parent’s anxiety may be internalized as “I cause trouble,” instead of “My parent struggles with stress.”
A caregiver’s emotional distance may be interpreted as “I’m unlovable,” instead of “My caregiver has limited capacity today.”
These interpretations do not stay confined to childhood. They become the psychological “lens” through which the individual views future interactions. Early relational experiences, particularly those involving inconsistent or emotionally unavailable caregiving, have been shown to shape core schemas and attachment patterns that persist into adulthood (Young et al., 2003; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016).
The Formation of Core Beliefs
Cognitive psychology maintains that the assumptions we make repeatedly eventually solidify into core beliefs, broad, enduring statements about ourselves and the world (Beck & Haigh, 2014). These beliefs often operate automatically and include statements such as:
“I am too much.”
“People eventually leave.”
“My needs are a burden.”
“I can’t trust others.”
“I’m not capable.”
Once formed, core beliefs act as filters. New experiences are interpreted in ways that confirm these longstanding internal narratives, an effect known as confirmation bias (Nickerson, 1998). A single moment of social discomfort, a slow email response, or a misread facial expression becomes further “evidence” that the negative belief is true.
This cycle can be especially powerful for individuals who grew up in environments marked by chronic stress, unpredictability, or emotional neglect. Research shows that such environments increase the likelihood of internalizing negative self-beliefs, which in turn shape adult mental health outcomes, particularly anxiety and depression (McLaughlin et al., 2014).
How Internal Stories Generate Anxiety
Anxiety is a future-oriented emotion rooted in anticipation, uncertainty, or perceived threat. However, what we perceive as threatening is almost always shaped by our internal narratives. Cognitive and neurobiological research demonstrates that anxiety is fueled not just by external stressors but by the interpretations we attach to them (Barlow, 2002; Clark & Beck, 2012).
For instance:
Someone with the belief “I am inadequate” may approach challenges with fears of failure, self-criticism, or avoidance.
Someone who believes “People judge me” may experience heightened social anxiety, reading neutral expressions as rejection.
Someone with the belief “I am not safe” may experience chronic worry or hypervigilance, even in objectively safe environments.
These beliefs reinforce anxious thinking styles such as catastrophizing (“This will go terribly”), mind-reading (“They think I’m incompetent”), and emotional reasoning (“I feel scared, so something must be wrong”). Over time, the internal story becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy: the more one believes they cannot cope, the more anxiety they feel, and the more avoidant they become, locking the system in place.
From a cognitive-behavioral perspective, anxiety emerges when the story we tell ourselves overestimates danger and underestimates our ability to cope (Clark & Beck, 2012). Neuroscience supports this mechanism by demonstrating how repeated interpretations of threat condition the brain to respond more quickly to fear cues, even when there is no real danger (LeDoux, 2015).
Why These Stories Can Feel So True
Internal stories, even inaccurate ones, become believable because they are familiar. They often begin so early in life that they feel like “truth,” not interpretation. Three psychological processes make these narratives especially sticky:
Repetition: The more often a thought is repeated, the more neurologically accessible it becomes.
Emotional reinforcement: Thoughts linked to fear or shame are stored more vividly in memory.
Cognitive shortcuts: The brain favors familiar explanations, even if they are painful, because familiarity feels safer than uncertainty.
This is why someone can intellectually know that “not everyone is judging me” but still instinctively feel anxious in social situations. The story is ingrained at a deeper emotional level.
Rewriting the Internal Narrative
The good news is that stories can be rewritten. Therapeutic models, CBT, narrative therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), and expressive arts therapies, offer pathways to uncover and reshape long-held beliefs (White & Epston, 1990; Hayes et al., 2016; Malchiodi, 2020).
1. Awareness and identification
Recognizing that your thoughts are interpretations, not facts, is the first step. Naming the story (“This is the ‘I’m not enough’ narrative”) creates psychological distance, making it easier to challenge.
2. Examining evidence
Therapists often help clients evaluate the validity of their assumptions by exploring alternative explanations and gathering counter-evidence (Beck & Haigh, 2014). This gradually erodes the power of old schemas.
3. Re-authoring
Narrative therapy emphasizes the idea that individuals can re-author their stories, shifting from problem-saturated narratives to those rooted in strength, resilience, and agency (White & Epston, 1990).
4. Art Therapy and expressive processing
Research in art therapy demonstrates that symbolic expression can help individuals integrate emotional experience and reframe internal narratives through visual and sensory processes (Malchiodi, 2020). Creating imagery allows clients to externalize stories that were previously internalized, making space for new interpretations.
5. Embodiment and mindfulness
ACT and mindfulness-based practices support individuals in observing their thoughts without overidentifying with them, weakening the automatic link between thought and anxiety (Hayes et al., 2016).
The stories we tell ourselves begin long before we are aware of them. They shape how we interpret others, how we respond to stress, how we navigate relationships, and how we understand our own worth. While these narratives can contribute to anxiety and emotional distress, they are not fixed.
By bringing awareness to the assumptions that drive our internal dialogue, we gain the power to challenge them. Through reflection, therapy, creativity, and self-compassion, we can rewrite our stories, from narratives rooted in fear to ones grounded in truth, resilience, and self-acceptance.
References
Barlow, D. H. (2002). Anxiety and its disorders: The nature and treatment of anxiety and panic (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Beck, A. T., & Haigh, E. A. P. (2014). Advances in cognitive theory and therapy: The generic cognitive model. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 10, 1–24. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-clinpsy-032813-153734
Bruner, J. (1990). Acts of meaning. Harvard University Press.
Clark, D. A., & Beck, A. T. (2012). The anxiety and worry workbook: The cognitive behavioral solution. Guilford Press.
Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2016). Acceptance and commitment therapy: The process and practice of mindful change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
LeDoux, J. E. (2015). Anxious: Using the brain to understand and treat fear and anxiety. Viking.
Malchiodi, C. A. (2020). Trauma and expressive arts therapy: Brain, body, and imagination in the healing process. Guilford Press.
McLaughlin, K. A., Sheridan, M. A., & Lambert, H. K. (2014). Childhood adversity and neural development: Deprivation and threat as distinct dimensions of early experience. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 18(11), 580–585. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2014.09.008
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Nickerson, R. S. (1998). Confirmation bias: A ubiquitous phenomenon in many guises. Review of General Psychology, 2(2), 175–220. https://doi.org/10.1037/1089-2680.2.2.175
Piaget, J. (1952). The origins of intelligence in children. International Universities Press.
White, M., & Epston, D. (1990). Narrative means to therapeutic ends. W. W. Norton.
Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Weishaar, M. E. (2003). Schema therapy: A practitioner’s guide. Guilford Press.
